Friday, January 2, 2009
Had a bad night sleep yesterday. Slept at around 5 am after hours of struggle to keep my mind free of everything. Many thoughts surfaced in my mind and kept me totally occupied. Was it the result of all the things which had happen for the past few months or what it because I was mentally exhausted. I am now a living zombie. My heart simply just pump to keep my body alive, it have stop pumping life into my soul.
Feeling super tired and irritated by all the things which I am required to do. It seem endless and it kept getting tougher. Working and studying no longer interest me now. So what my hourly rate have increased when my commission rate decrease?! It mean that it is meaningless to work hard to approach customer or to recommend more products to customer as it will make not much difference in the commission you will be getting.
Maintaining friendship also seem tough. Different group of friend, different type of culture. Totally not easy to blend into different culture but hope you all have seen the effort I have put in. Love the companion of friends especially when you are feeling low or bored. It is also great especially you get to share to happiness with them. Had some misunderstanding with Spencer yesterday. Luckily it was settled. I hope that it will never happen again. Belinda told me that I should control my temper. She wasn't the first who advise me to control my temper. I am trying, I really did.
For a goalless person like me, trying to be somebody of something seem tough. What more is that I don't even know what is the something I should try to excel before I can be somebody. It is just to ambitious to want to be somebody in everything. So just let someone to lead me on to something I could really excel. Let not say that I have not try. I tried but to no avail. No matter what, it seem like I will never outshine anyone. Or is it fated that I ought to be no body in everything. We will see.
Life seem so empty for a soulless person like me. Nothing interest me anymore. Tired to put on a happy face when I am not. Tired to cheer people up when I am totally not even cheered up. Tired to try to do something when I does not have any determination. Tired to keep my passion alive when it is almost extinguished. How I wish i can now vaporize into thin air now, bringing nothing with me, leaving everything behind, to enjoy the new paradise. Alvin is dead.
it's you and me <3
9:37 PM
